Five Must-Follow Rules for a Chinese Buffet

So a couple years ago I went to a Chinese buffet in Pensacola Florida and vowed that I would never do that again. It seems like I lose my head when I enter a place like that and eat everything in sight. It didn't help that the place seemed on the verge of being shut down by the Health Department. I don't know how I forgot about this incident, but the other day I felt that going to a Chinese buffet here in Cincinnati was a good idea.

I chose the one over on Ridge Avenue, because it was the closest. It had received some good reviews too, and therefore I felt that it would be a good choice. Wrong again. Don't misunderstand. The facility was really nice. Much better than the one in Florida, but I still went overboard. I went so far that all the Chinese food around me was making me sick. So at that point I got one more full plate, ate it, and then left. Overall, it was such a disappointment that I felt that there has to be something I can do to prevent it in the future. So I present these rules as way to make any Chinese buffet a more enjoyable experience.

Rule #1: Peruse the entire buffet area before you get your first plate.
It is always good to have a battle plan. I put emphasis on battle. If you go with the intention to just grab whatever looks yummy, you will pick up way too much of one thing and then wish later on that you had room for that other dish. Inevitably you will make room for that other dish, and that's when you lose the battle.

Rule #2: A spoonful of fried rice helps the mandarin go down.
Get some rice with every plate. Sure it is a cheap filler, but it will also help you keep from wanting to vomit.

Rule #3: Pair each meat item with a vegetable.
It is easy to pile up a ton of sweet and sour chicken, general tso beef, and a shrimp dish. Meat is the reason for the seasoning right? Well, I felt deprived of vegetables by the third plate and felt that I must have a plate just with vegetables. Next time I'll spread it out.

Rule #4: Slow down, the food isn't going to disappear.
I went with my kids. Apparently I felt that I had to eat fast enough to get my ten plates in before my kids would lose their patience and start throwing their crab wantons at the people next to us. Now I feel that it will be easier to ask forgiveness from the people next to us than to ask forgiveness from my stomach.

Rule #5: Convince yourself that going to the Chinese buffet is a bad idea.
This is the most important rule of all. If you heed this rule, you can avoid any abdominal and gastrointestinal pain that inevitably results from the Chinese buffet. This pain is unavoidable, so if you don't heed rule #5, be prepared to hurt.